It’s reaching the end of what’s been a shite year, and there’s a fair chance the last month is only going to get shiteier. Is that even a word? Shiteyer? Shattier? Surely “shat” is the past tense of “shit” and therefore “shattier” would only be used in the context of “last year was shattier than this year”. If you’re an English major please me know in the comments. Anyway, to finish off the year I decided to pop down to my local budget supermarket and play a good old game of “I have no idea what the fuck that is, but it’s cheap and I’m going to drink it“. Today I’d like to present to you a bottle of Original Krupnik Vodka.
This bottle of Krupnik Vodka was found in B&M for £12.99. I was fairly disappointed with today’s offerings as most of it was brands I’ve actually heard of, like Glen’s and Red Square vodka. Everybody knows the best booze is the stuff in weird shaped bottles you’ve never seen before and you’re not quite sure how to pronounce the name. I genuinely think there would be nothing more appealing than a bottle of “Aasdjkfhgfjkh” which comes in a bottle that looks like a GCSE art project which was smashed and stuck back together with parcel tape. Helpfully, the boys at Krupnik have put a pronunciation guide on the back label (Kroop-Neek) so us unsophisticated folk can walk around talking about it and pretending we’re fancy vodka snobs. Krupnik comes in a 700ml bottle and is 40%, so at least it’s none of that 37.5% nonsense.
I assumed Krupnik Vodka was some bullshit export brand, so I was upset when Wikipedia told me “Krupnik” refers to a style of alcohol which is popular in Poland, Belarus, and Lithuania. The “Krupnik” brand is owned by the fancy bastards at Belvédère (yeah I copy and pasted the name, so what? I don’t know how to make those fancy letters on my keyboard) so there’s a chance this might actually end up being a fairly decent vodka! Actually, forget about all that. I’ve looked into it further and it turns out there’s two different companies. The French company “Belvédère“, and the Polish company “Belvedere” (without all the fancy shite above the letters). Krupnik Vodka is sold by a French company, and Belevedere Vodka sold by a Polish company. The Polish company also sells Sobieski vodka which I think is that fancy Bruce Willis drink but I’ve never tried it. This whole paragraph has been very confusing to write and is probably even more confusing to read, but at this point I’ve already committed to it and I’m not prepared to go back and rewrite anything.
After 10 seconds on Google, I was able to find the Krupnik Vodka website which claims to be “#2 vodka brand in Poland (4th largest Vodka market in the world)”. At first I thought this meant it’s the 2nd biggest vodka in Poland, and 4th biggest in the world, but after rereading it, it’s actually saying “Krupnik is the 2nd biggest vodka in Poland. Poland is the 4th largest vodka market in the world”. Maybe that’s misleading, or maybe I’m just drunk, but either way this vodka is certainly doing the job! I eventually hunted down the distributor’s website which puts Krupnik in the category of “Manufacture of distilled potable alcoholic beverages, production of ethyl alcohol from fermented materials”. Yum! That’s my favourite kind of liquid!
Krupnik Vodka is transparent, which personally is my favourite colour for vodka. I once saw a bottle of gin in a bottle shaped like a whale and the gin changed colour when you mix it, but frankly fuck that shit. As far as smell goes, there’s nothing really to mention either. If you’re really focusing, you can catch a feint whiff of alcohol, but it smells more like an empty glass which used to contain vodka rather than a strong hit of the expected acetone/ethanol fumes. Taste-wise, Krupnik goes down a damn treat too! I’ve been sipping away at it and it’s very smooth with essentially no burn whatsoever. The lack of smell and taste would almost have me doubting it was actually cheap vodka if I hadn’t bought the bottle and poured it myself. I’m well on my way into the bottle and I can assure you this is definitely vodka!
Unfortunately Krupnik Vodka has been nowhere near as silly as I was expecting for a random bottle of cheap booze, but good god this is a fantastic drink. At £12.99 for a bottle at 40% ABV I literally cannot find a bad thing to say about this vodka. I mean, the logo has 2 bears sitting under a tree doing a “cheers” motion and they’re not even facing each other, and I’m pretty sure they’re holding glasses of beer, not vodka, but that’s a price I’m willing to pay for Krupnik! I think I’ve found a new favourite vodka, but then again maybe it’s more well known than I’m aware and I’m a twat for never having heard of it.
Boozism rating: 10/10 deliciouses