Join us today as we attempt to get drunk on Asda Smart Price Lager.
Unfortunately these bastards only come in packs of 4 and as I really don’t want to drink these, this review will mostly consist of me complaining about things while trying to drink 4 cans of piss as fast as possible.
Asda Smart Price Lager is a 2% beer which comes in a 440ml can. They’re only sold in packs of 4 costing £1. They’re very cheap but the fact that they’re only 2% means you have to drink twice as many. I don’t understand why anybody would even buy this beer. If you want cheap, there’s much cheaper ways to get drunk, and if you want low alcohol content there’s certainly more flavoursome ways to go about it. The beer comes in a plain green and white can with very little information other than what is legally required. At first I couldn’t understand how each can could possibly contain 6.0 units of alcohol until I realised parts of the can are printed upside down.
The beer looks as bland as the can, pouring a lifeless head which quickly dies. The drink is much clearer than other lagers, probably because it contains less beer. I was expecting the usual pissy lager smell, but there isn’t really any scent from it which makes sense since this beer is 98% water. Asda’s lager tastes like a shitty beer that somebody has watered down. The best way to describe it is if you took a piece of cardboard off the street, soaked it in beer, left it in an old shoe overnight and then sucked the remaining liquid out of it the next day. Smart Price Lager doesn’t even have the same bad taste that most cheap lagers suffer from. This is such a watery beer that the only detectable flavour is in the aftertaste. Burping also provides no flavour. Less than 5 minutes after opening the first can it had already lost what little carbonation it had.
I don’t even want to drink this beer. Not because it’s bad, but because it’s such a pointless thing to do. This beer contains so little alcohol that I’m not sure if you can get drunk from it. Halfway through the second can and I’m starting to feel really full and have a headache. This is the first time where drinking has felt like a chore and there’s still another two cans of this piss fluid to finish. You can drink a 4 pack of this and still not be over your recommended booze limit. This would be a great beer to keep under the sink and feed to any assholes who ever suggest doing a beer bong but I can really think of no legitimate reason to ever buy this.
The worst part of this beer is that it doesn’t even make you need to piss, so I’m currently sitting here with a litre of beer in my stomach with another litre still to come. I’m almost certainly hating this beer more than I should since I’m trying to speed drink 4 cans of it, but that doesn’t excuse the low alcohol content. If this was a reasonable beer I could probably have a slight buzz going by now but this is about as enjoyable as drinking seltzer water, maybe less as water doesn’t taunt you as being alcoholic. This really is the most miserable of beers.
At this point I gave up on trying to drink them fast and instead decided to find a way to make this beer more interesting. Unfortunately in my current state of boozelessness I only have cream liqueur and blue curacao to mix it with and I’m not drinking cream liqueur with lager, so blue curacao it is.
The blue curacao turned the beer a deep turquoise colour and made it sweeter. I think it would be fair to call it a beer cocktail, which I am calling a “Blue Fuck”. The Blue Fuck isn’t by any means an exciting drink but it is definitely an improvement over the original lager. The blue curacao adds some flavour, alcohol and helps me use the two bottles I’ve had in the cupboard for years, although I’m not suggesting you rush out and buy a pack of Asda Lager and a bottle of blue curacao. Half a glass of Blue Fuck is quite sickening but much preferable over the regular beer. It has quite a powdery finish which can only be from the blue curacao which is both old and cheap. Vodka would be the ideal thing to add to this beer but for now the Blue Fuck will have to do.
Asda Smart Price Lager isn’t even useful as a fallback drink. It is flavourless and unless you have a cupboard full of it, you’re not going to get drunk. If you have your own pot still you could run the lager through it and make some kind of shit vodka but even that isn’t cost effective. Because of the worthlessness of this beer I won’t be reviewing any more low alcohol content drinks unless they’re sold individually.
Booze Review rating: 1/10 deliciouses