Did I ever mention that I hate cider? Because I really fucking hate cider. As cheap as it is, I can never bring myself to drink it. It smells unsafe and tastes like apple juice where something has gone horribly long. Luckily I found an out-of-date can of Olde English cider in SuperValu’s booze bin which is sure to rekindle those delightful feelings of dry heaving and disgust.
Olde English usually costs £1.29 per can, but it was reduced in the booze bin to only 65p. It expired in September 2012 but I can’t see it making any difference. The can is 500ml and the cider is 4.5%. £1.29 seems quite expensive so I’m assuming Olde English is more of a premium cider, as least compared to the likes of White Lightning or Scrumpy Jack’s.
As I avoid cider at all costs, I don’t know anything about it. Olde English is a “Medium dry cider” which means nothing to me, unless it works similar to wine. The can also states that the cider is “MADE WITH ENGLISH APPLES” which I am assuming is just a marketing technique rather than non-English apples tasting different. It claims to be the gold standard in English cider, so I’m really excited about drinking this fecal, apple based swill.
Olde English pours a yellow/urine coloured drink. It looks like lager but is more intense. It isn’t as carbonated as lager either, so it looks quite unsettling. There is pretty much no head, although I don’t know if cider is meant to have a head. This cider doesn’t smell as bad as other ciders. It smells like some kind of fizzy apple drink, and while it isn’t pleasant, it isn’t a smell which makes me gag in disgust. Olde English does however, taste really bad. It has a flat, sharp taste and seems like it hasn’t finished turning into a proper drink. As a cider it amongst be better tasting drinks, but as a drink it isn’t something I would ever want to swallow again. You could achieve a similar taste by placing a diarrhoea tablet in some apple juice and sucking on an old copper coin while drinking it. The smell of cider soon began filling the room and I knew my small sips weren’t going to dispose of the drink fast enough. I then tried switching to large gulps but this made breathing difficult as each exhale would reinforce the rancid apple taste. Luckily I was able to keep fighting the good fight, and before long the evil liquid was defeated, never to return.
Olde English is one of the better ciders, but I still hate cider and this is no exception. The horrible apple taste makes it neither fun or easy to drink, and even at 65p a can it isn’t something I would want to drink again. Now it’s time to drink something tasty to wash away this horrible taste.
Booze Review rating: 2/10 deliciouses