3 Hammers strong cider

Due to recent financial difficulties, Booze Review has been forced to cut down on booze spending. Rather than sobering up, food money has been stricken entirely from the budget and alcohol costs have been cut slightly. Due to this, we present to you: 3 Hammers cider.

3 Hammers usually comes in a 3 litre bottle, but for now we’re sampling the 2 litre bottle. 3 Hammers is a 7.5% white cider costing £3.69. A 3 litre bottle is almost as much alcohol as a bottle of vodka, but under half the price, meaning this is a pretty excellent booze:money ratio.

TODO: A 3 Hammers screwdriver

3 Hammers is made by Ashton Manor, the people who make pretty much every cider which comes in a big plastic bottle.  They try to advertise 3 litre bottles as “Sharing Packs”, but nobody is falling for that. You’re buying a 3 litre bottle to drink alone, sitting in the dark and shovelling a microwave dinner into your face. The label has a lovely little warning not to drink it while pregnant or trying to get it up the duff. You’d like to think pregnant women don’t consume several litres of white cider per day, but who are we to judge?

Firstly, 3 Hammers is pretty fucking hard to open. I didn’t even shake it slightly and it still took about 10 minutes to open without it spraying everywhere. It looks like white wine in appearance, but really fizzy and bubbly. So I guess it doesn’t actually look like wine at all. 3 Hammers smells like some kind of pissy, iron, mechanical vomit. It’s as if somebody vomited all over themselves and tried to cover it up by spraying themselves with Febreeze. They’re trying to argue with you that they’re sober but they’ve got vomit all down their shirt and you there’s shit running out their trouser legs. It tastes like apple juice which as been fermenting inside a shoe and the shoe was then grated the into a bowl of carbonated onion juice. It has a long lasting after-taste which you’re probably going to taste all night unless you plan to start chugging mouthwash. You’ll taste this shit in the morning if you burp. 3 Hammers without a doubt lives up to it’s name by feeling like you’ve been smashed in the face by several hammers. Shitty Poundland hammers.

There is a bright side to 3 Hammers: it’s cheap and it’s fairly strong. By your second or third glass you’ll have forgotten how your life got to this low-point and you’ll hopefully stop noticing the god awful taste so much. It’s not like it hurts to drink, it just tastes horrible and smells like trashcan vomit. It’s no Tesco Value Vodka, but it’s still cheap booze and isn’t that what we all ever really want?

Booze Review rating: 8/10 deliciouses
★★★★★★★★★★