Drinks That Aren’t Drinks: Shite Russian

Welcome to Booze Review’s first episode of Drinks That Aren’t Drinks, where we make new and exciting cocktails out of things in the cupboard. Today’s drink is one I dub “The Shite Russian”, a bastard child of the White Russian.

White Russians are an extremely tasty drink consisting of vodka, coffee liqueur and cream which combine to create a boozy drink that tastes like a Kinder Surprise. Unfortunately as I was lacking both coffee liqueur and cream I had to substitute these for Irish cream and milk.

Things were going quite well up to this point. I had a glass sitting on the table and I had just placed a fresh ice cube inside it to ensure the drink was refreshingly chilled. I opened the cupboard to get vodka and at this point I realised I don’t actually have any vodka. This was extremely worrying as I had already come this far and couldn’t just abandon my drink in its time of need. Suddenly I saw a shining beacon in the corner of my eye. It was none other than our good old friend Glen’s White Rum! The bottle was almost empty but there was enough for almost two drinks and enough to save our Shite Russian.

You’re probably thinking “But now you’re not using any of the original ingredients! How is this still a white Russian?”. While I can appreciate your concern, I would like to point out two things; 1 – I am using WHITE rum. It’s in the name. If anything this makes it even more of a white Russian than using vodka. 2 – This is a Shite Russian, it was never going to be a white Russian.

A white russian with no ingredients of a white russian.

And now the recipe.

Ingredients:
Glen’s White Rum
O’Gradys Classic Country Cream
Milk (I’m using semi-skimmed but feel free to use what you have)
Ice (Optional but highly recommended)

1. Place ice in glass
2. Fill just over 1/3 of the glass with rum
3. Add Irish cream until the glass is just under 3/4 full
4. Top up with milk
5. Stir well. I used a screwdriver but a spoon or stirring rod will work just as well.

And there you have it. You’ve successfully built your first Shite Russian. I suggest putting on some smooth jazz and relaxing while you enjoy your beautiful creation. After couple of these you should be feeling pretty buzzed so make sure you really crank up the volume!

The Shite Russian looks pretty much the same as a white Russian. It’s slightly paler due to the lack of coffee liqueur but there really isn’t a noticeable difference. As for the smell, the Shite Russian is pretty similar to Irish cream. Perhaps slightly milkier, but there’s not much smell of alcohol in this drink. Despite the minimal effort put into the drink, it’s actually quite delicious. It kind of tastes like one of those iced drinks from Starbucks but less shitty. I’d be interested in pouring booze into one of them and seeing if it tastes similar.

Surprisingly the Shite Russian turned out quite well. It’s a much duller drink than a white Russian and slightly sweeter due to the rum, but it’s a pretty good drink. Although this was scraped together due to lack of booze, I’d still make another one even if I had booze for other drinks.

Booze Review rating: 9/10
★★★★★★★★★★
But wait, it’s not over yet. Remember when I said there was enough rum for almost 2 drinks? Well now it’s time to use that rum.

You may remember from the Asda Lager challenge that I have plenty of Blue Curacao which I really don’t want anymore. A shite Russian with blue curacao can’t be that bad. Right?

Tastes as fun as it looks!

For anybody joining in at home, the recipe is exactly the same as before except this time you’ll use half as much white rum and replace it with blue curacao. If you’ve done everything correctly you should end up with something that looks like a glass of marbled smurf jizz, which I am naming “The Blue-Balled Russian”. A quick stir later and you should end up with a glass of paint. Yum!

The Blue-Balled Russian smells even more neutral than the Shite Russian which was worrying after knowing the ingredients I had put into it. Somehow, despite there being 3 different kinds of booze in this drink, there is no smell of alcohol whatsoever. At first the drink doesn’t have much of a taste but then the blue curacao mixes with the milk in your mouth and creates a disgustingly boring taste, like chewing on the stick after you finish your ice cream. It’s not a completely terrible drink but I don’t see any reason why anybody would ever feel the need to create such a massively uninteresting drink. There are no complex flavours or aftertastes here, just pure boring. If you enjoy licking envelopes then by all means pour yourself a double, but anybody else can achieve the same taste by eating the contents of their vacuum cleaner.

Booze Review rating: 4/10
★★★★★★★★★★